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When I tell people I have depression and anxiety, I always seem to want to state how long I’ve been unwell, and it’s an answer I’m unsure of. On the one hand, I would argue it has been gradual, so gradual it is hard to know when it got to the point of being a problem and needing to seek help. On the other hand, there are certain events in my life which I can point to as when things became worse or took a turn. It’s probably a combination of both.
As such, it’s difficult to know exactly where my issues stem from, but I know a lot of my depression manifests itself in feeling inadequate and of no use to the world. No matter what accomplishments I achieve, I still feel useless.
I’ve tried various techniques and wellness exercises to try and increase my self-esteem, my feelings of self-worth, and boost my confidence, but nothing seems to work. Furthermore, gratitude practices, which appear to be universally recommended, actually make me feel worse as the more I point out, note, and am made aware of the great things in my life, I feel more and more undeserving of them, making me feel worse.
Despite nothing really working, I kept at all the mediations, yoga, and exercising people told me I should do, hoping it’ll all work eventually. I’m still not sure if this is the case, but there was one moment where my mindset changed. I was listening to a meditation which happened to be about purpose, and how the person felt worthless, so added worth to their life. They did this by gathering up all the information they had learned about wellness and mental health, and then sharing it to others, in hopes it helps and aids them.
While I lack the knowledge to do that, it got me thinking about the knowledge I have and how sharing it might helps others too. Nothing as deep, meaningful or insightful as improving mental health, but perhaps someone reading one of these posts may enhance an aspect of their life in some small way, and this idea was enough for me to at least try to write up some of the various stuff I know, with this post alone possibly maybe helping someone.
Getting here mentally was difficult though. When I first started on the internet, I was extroverted, posting in various communities, making lots of online friends, and having various blogs over time. However, these all faded away over time, and as my mental health issues likely began, I withdrew more and more, telling myself no one wants to hear what I have to say, so I’ll say nothing.
Getting myself out of that hole isn’t easy, and I’m still not really there yet. But I am trying, writing and publishing posts when I can, and that’s all I can do, at least for now.